So it’s happening.
The end of the world is near and all I have to show for it is a fucking 12 pack of shit tickets and 3 packets of two-minute noodles… I never thought it would end like this.
With China playing the blame game over who ate the “cave chicken” first and the US acting like a child, being upset over someone else making the headlines it won’t be long till we find ourselves going to war now. World War Three is gunna be a real downer. That being said, it’s time to learn a skill that is more useful. Perhaps I can learn to navigate great oceans? Maybe I can practice becoming an emergency aid nurse? Ooorrrr I can work on my already existing skills. Like the binge drinking habits that has already left me with a palette that is well matured beyond my muggle years… Hmm, Decisions.
Hooch hoe it is then.
Now. Where do I start? How do I make these skills useful in a pandemic? Since I’m not in prison and still good on toilet paper I haven’t resorted to waffle stomping yet so I am still in need of a functioning toilet, so I won’t be using that as my mixing bowl of choice. But I’m also not ruling it out for future potential bowl use, after all, it does come with a lid…
Guess the real first question is what type of alcohol would I like to make? Am I wanting to go for something that will stand the test of time like whiskey? Or something a little more versatile like vodka? Or perhaps we could make a classic prison wine which is referred to as, “Pruno”.
After a quick yet extensive search on google, Pruno was the winner. Pruno seems perfect, No skills required, and low production cost. Maybe that toilet will be needed after all Who knows.
According to Google, they use zip lock bags, fruit cocktail, oranges, sugar, tomato sauce, and hot water… Ahhh sounds easy enough?
Well, it’s fucking not. After getting only halfway through smashing the fruit in the ziplock back and the whole thing decided to burst out of the bag(Wtf wikihow) and it was a real fucking mess that I didn’t wanna deal with.
This was and still is as far as the Pruno production went.
So in the middle of all this madness and the insane intrusive thoughts that were running through my brain, I remembered that a new prohibition isn’t happening… Making toilet wine wasn’t something that anyone in the free world should have to do, So why the hell was I doing this? Who let me go down this fucking rabbit hole in the first place?
The end of the world will not mean the end of commercial alcohol production. Restoration of the alcohol production industry isn’t on me or you. That’s not my mission. My mission is to help with the consumption of alcohol and making it appropriate in all atmospheres
I’ll start with the packaging. Not only is nostalgia the way to someone’s heart but so is whiskey so let’s do some classic flasks because accessibility and alcoholism go hand in hand. Flasks are very strong, versatile, and look cool AF.. Glass is too fragile for war times, we aren’t here to fuck around with that shit. Steel it is. Easy to hide and easy to drink from.
In fact half of the time my boss doesn’t even know I have one hidden nearby at all times… Well, he will once he reads this but that’s my future selves problem.
So now I have the packaging for the liquor consumption sorted, maybe we can include some accessories? Perhaps some little aluminum shot glasses and an itty bitty funnel to help the uncoordinated ones pour shots without causing a scene or wasting whiskey?
Now for the cherry on top of my amaretto sour, the labeling. The branding for the flask. Perhaps having the engraving read ‘On your mark, get set, Go Fuck Yourself.’ or maybe a ‘Fuck off I’m drinking’? Hmmm, how about I do them all? Yer I’ll do that.
After all, who am I to decide what your flask says.